I wish i could tell you what i've been through, i know it's nothing on your experiences, but i want you to know that i'm not like this by choice. i don't ruin everything by choice. i don't want to hurt, but i do. i wish i could explain that it's not my fault that i cannot do the things you do, and what i go through when you're not looking, not around. i wish i could show you who i really am, but i'm trapped inside a facade that i cannot break free of. i can not defeat my own peron to show you how much i really love you, because i do. it makes up for the love i do not have for me.

i wish i could show you how much you hurt me, without even knowing, i wish i could let you know that i am so fragile, but gentleness is not your way. and i am not strong enough to tell you that you've broken me. i cling on to you like a new born to its mother, you give me what i need to live, the confidence to walk with my head held high, even if it is hurting me to be so untrue to myself. i wish i could show you how i feel, how hard it is to keep it up, but it's all i see. i have become so strong in my facade i cannot stop. i have grown out of breaking, crying, asking for help. AND IT KILLS ME. i have no release, no help, and worst of all, no words. i can't explain or understand why i am so hurt, detatched, alone. so withdrawn, quiet and unaware of the world around me, and most of all i cannot explain why i am not like around you, around anyone. why no-one notices.ever.

i want someone to stop ignoring that i'm hurting all the time. JUST BECAUSE I LIVE WITH IT EVERYDAY DOES NOT MEAN IT HURTS LESS. i am so tired of dealing with everything on my own. i am feeling weaker and colder and more alone than ever, and still it makes no difference. i wish someone would try to break the surface, try to know me, try to care. try to give me that little bit of love to help me try to help myself. because i can't do it alone, i have tried so many times, i have not the strength. i feel so pathetic, useless, worthless, alone.

i am lost to reality. i have spent so long living my reality i don't know what the world looks like from outside. what the world looks like when it is not clouded over by my impared view of negativity. i want to feel good, i want to break free of the choking binds i have placed on myself, on my life. i want to stop hurting myself, ruining my own life. i want to feel alive, instead of thinking about death. more than anything i want to feel that there is some love out there for me. but i understand why there is not.